lessons

26 things life has taught me in as many years, achieved only through hindsight. Some warnings for my past self, some affirmations to my current self, some reminders for my future self.

1. Those were not “just” stomach aches. You’ll realize this way too late.
2. Enjoy the suburbs while you’re there, you’ll never want it again.
3. You’re gay. You’ll hate that fact, then love that fact, then settle into a mild and somewhat amused annoyance at that fact once you figure out what gay guys are actually like.
4. It is preferential to have positive associations with your blood relatives if possible, as 18 years’ worth is a lot of memories to which to rebuke access. But this by no means requires that your blood relations be deeper or more meaningful than the ones you choose (in fact, they won’t be).
5. Nothing really matters. Madonna says it in that song you like so much, and it’s true. Nothing teaches you this particular lesson like a brush (or brushes) with death. This realization frees you.
6. You enjoy making people happy, and sometimes you’ll struggle to see where your happiness ends and theirs begins.
7. Life is essentially about modulating the speed at which you die (measured perhaps in fraction of remaining life lived/second for the scientists out there). Some things increase that speed, some decrease it. Some things turn that dial by a hair, some by a ton. Some things turn the dial for you, e.g. stray bullets, “lucky” genes, or terminal illness. Some things represent you taking the dial into your own hands, e.g. running into oncoming traffic, faithfully following a diet suited for your nutritional needs, or enjoying a few strong drinks at a swanky cocktail bar. The risks and benefits of the latter are for you to assume knowing the capacity of the former to override. The best/worst part? Death speed, the way I’ve defined it above, requires you to know how much time you have left, so you’ll simply never know it.
8. In the same vein as #7, longevity is not in and of itself a virtue. Living for a long time is only good if that’s something that you want. Decisions made in the interest of longevity are only good if that’s something that you want. When it comes to handling your own body there are no objective moral judgments. It’s yours, and you can do with it what you please.
9. Realizing your own inner beauty and power does not automatically mean that those around you recognize it too.
10. Sometimes it isn’t a matter of adjusting, it’s a matter of leaving the situation that you’re in entirely because it isn’t for you.
11. The principle of the thing, often, is actually the entire thing.
12. Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. And other times, just because you can doesn’t mean you should have to (see #11).
13. You’re an introvert. You’re a performer as well, which means you know your way around a crowd, but that will never change the fact that your clarity is achieved when you’re alone.
14. You’ll never truly learn how to internalize your accomplishments if your relationship to them is constantly changing. This is not bad, it’s simply evidence of an evolving worldview and an adaptive value system.
15. Your boundaries are your responsibility. No one is invested in building them except you, as you are the only person who stands to gain from their presence. Everyone else will extract from you all that you’re willing to give, and more.
16. You’re not reading too far into it. It is that deep. Self-preservation is a strong force and you should listen when it’s trying to do its work.
17. Some very bad people are very nice, and some very good people are very mean.
18. It is exceedingly rare that getting what you deserve will be convenient for others. Add this to the list of things you’re just going to have to fight for at all costs.
19. Your job, whatever it is at the moment, is a job. It isn’t who you are, and your coworkers are not your family. If a coworker makes it into your chosen family, it’s got nothing to do with the work you both do and everything to do with their spirit connecting with yours. Proximity is not the only way to make friends.
20. You can be mean sometimes. See #17. Note: This could be raising awareness or giving permission. I’ll leave that up to you.
21. The benefit of the doubt is a lovely and gracious thing to bestow upon people who deserve it. And no one else.
22. Sex terrifies you and you’re not very good at guys. At the time of writing, you’ve never dated. This is our final frontier and there’s no need to stress about it, all things in due time.
23. You still hate driving, despite not being too bad at it, and you’ve developed a very anti-car ethos to boot so go ahead and start learning bus routes now.
24. It’s impossible to map events from your past onto properties of your present self in the 1:1 manner that you’d like to. Sure, everything you’ve experienced contributes a voice to your symphony, but the past is behind you. You can’t see which memories play which instruments because your back is turned, silly goose.
25. Singing will get you through absolutely everything.
26. This one is for past, present, and future me all at once: Breathe. Smile. The unknown is not out to get you, and it won’t be unknown forever.